Juanita Sings!

Midnight Joey

It's 3:15 in the morning and I thought I would write a blog. Why not. I just drove 9 hrs straight through rainstorms and smelly RV farts to get to Houston for a show that we don't even play for another 20 hours from now. Oh well, at least I made good time. So as I write at 3:15 just know that I might say or write things that don't make sense. Some might think it's just because I had a long day or that I've been drinking but no... This happens every night. Let me introduce to you.... Midnight Joey. Midnight Joey is still me but it's just a more honest and funnier me. I know it's hard to believe that I could be any funnier but it's true. I am. I'm hilarious. see... you're laughing. that just happened. What you might ask? That. That just happened. I am currently sitting in a room with a creepy mexican doll. The mexican doll is starring at me. Her name is juanita. She has big feet and a flower dress on. Next to her is a stuffed speedy gonzales,Ok... Now I don't feel creeped out anymore. I feel like I just been a part of a hate crime. Of all the rooms I have to sleep in they put me in the room with the mexican dolls. Is that suppose to make me feel comfortable? Like I am at home? Having mexican dolls is one thing but seriously no bed? Do I really have to wear this pancho with a sombrero and sit in the corner with my head down? Is that how you think mexicans sleep? Your right, but that's not the point. Wait a minute... On the other side of the room there are books, a globe, and a microscope. There is also a night light. Is this side of the room suppose to represent the white half of me? Now I am really confused. Could this room been specifically designed to make both sides of my heritage feel comfortable? Is this possible. Now that I think about it.... This is sort of sweet. I do feel like I am at home. Thank you my totally white friends for making this room feel like home. On second thought. No. No I am not thankful. This room is what divided this nation in the first place. Blacks vs whites. whites vs mexicans. David vs Goliath. This room shouldn't be divided. It's should be come one. Just like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich w/ chips and a small diet coke. Let this room come together and live with one another. Let the creepy mexican doll play with the microscope. let Speedy Gonzales try and read a book ( he can't read but don't tell him I told you that.) Let's put down our churros and college degrees and let's have a fiesta! I'll get the salsa! You bring the veggie tray. and we will become one.

Joey in "Real TIme"

Here is a glimpse of what an average day for me is like. Multiply this video by 40 and you will get the full day. Enjoy!

Well, Hello

This is too much fun. Sorry I am bored and I thought this would be an interactive blog tonight. Below are 3 pictures. What I like to do is give these people in the pictures their own made up personalities. The way you do this is just look at each picture and ask yourself... What would this person say if this picture could talk? Always, start with the phrase "Well, Hello." It helps spark the conversation. It's almost like these people are talking to you. It's creepy but fun. Try it!



Well hello! I didn't see you standing there. People usually don't stop when they see me. Everyone thinks I'm a murderer. Well, they're right.






What? you've never seen an ugly baby? Yeah I know that I'm ugly but you don't look so great yourself! If I could only control my limbs I would reach out and slap you.












Well, Hellooo! Do you like my hat? It's an original. I made it myself. If you want, I can make you one. oops... I farted. sorry.

Wal-Mart Blues

So, While I was at Wal-Mart yesterday I decided to apply for a job. Haven't heard back from anyone yet. I'm trying to not get my hopes up. But now that I think about it, I should have lied on my application. First off I shouldn't have checked the box that asked if I have ever been a convicted felon or have any warrants. Before you start judging me, let me explain. It was spring break 1969 and a group of us went into the city to rob some banks. We were just bored local surfers looking for our next wave. We had this great idea to wear rubber president masks. We wore the likes of Zachary Taylor,Millard Fillmore,Chester A. Arthur, and Benjamin Harrison. (they ran out of Reagan, Stewart, Nixon and Carter masks.) so we basically looked like a bunch of old men with really cool guns. We had a great plan. Get in and get out.... Never, Never go for the safe. We robbed 40 banks in one day and never even broke a sweat until the 41st. Everything was going accordingly to the plan until Brody got greedy. "Lets go Brody! Nah Bra, I got to get something from the safe! Bra, We don't have the time, Bra! Bra! give me a minute. Right then an off duty cop , who was just at the bank to deposit his last check from the PD, got brave and intervened. FREEZE!!!! At that second Brody turned around and pointed his gun at the cop. Before I knew it I was diving after the cop. Both Brody and the cop pulled their triggers at the same time. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! I suddenly stepped in Gum that some loser spit out on the ground. I mean who freaking spits out their gum inside a bank. C'mon people. Oh...sorry, back to the story. The two bullets raced towards each other like two love birds meeting in a sunflower field. BAM!!!!! Both Brody and the cop flew backwards from the gunshot. I was too late. Someone ate all the free candy at the tellers counter. Darn it! I love getting Dum Dums! My favorite is the mystery flavor. It's so exciting! Anyways... later in life I got pulled over for speeding in a school zone, Ok Let me explain before you start judging me. It was the summer of 2020. Doc and I just traveled back into the future to stop Biff (My annoying neighbor) from changing the past. Biff had stolen our car from the past but we had a car in the present so we were able to go into the future and retrieve our car from the past and bring it back to the present. Now we have two. (If anyone is looking for a Delorean/time travel car I'm selling one.... It has only went into to the future and back to the past 3 times.) Well, Before we could get back to the present Doc missed a turn and we ended up driving 88 mph through a school zone. Of course I was driving and a hovercraft cop pulled me over and took me to jail. Luckily I was able to escape before my family photo faded. Anyways... If you are still reading this blog in 2020 please remind me that I am due in court on march 22nd. So now you understand why I should have lied on my application. Hopefully Wal-Mart will still call back. I hear that they have great benefits!


Joey

Home For Sale

I have decided to move. I no longer live in my Myspace home (www.myspace.com/joeyavalos) It was a beautiful home but honestly I just out grew the place. I had a lot of great times in my myspace home and the memories that were made there will always be close to my heart. If you are wondering where I moved to I will tell you. I bought a beautiful home on Facebook Lake. It comes with a great view and a lot of room to run wild. At my age and all the traveling I do I just wanted to be able to come home and actually see family and friends. Lately, My Myspace neighborhood has been really hurting. I don't know if it's the economy or if it's because of the gangs and drugs, but it's been more like a ghost town then a retreat. With saying that... I am selling my myspace home to you all! 100% of the proceeds will go to the Invisible Children charity (www.invisiblechildren.com) Honestly if you all want to donate then you all can live there. There use to be over 4000 people living there. (yeah it was a big house) but now there are only two tenants. Tom and a guy that goes by Wolf. Tom is pretty clean but I can't say the same for Wolf. He has quirks.

If you would like to buy this myspace home please go to paypal and donate to jmaguitar@yahoo.com.
You can see the house at myspace.com/joeyavalos

Thanks, Joey

Oh by the way... Here's my new address.

www.facebook.com
www.twitter.com/joeyavalos

Joey's Joy Ride!

Hello followers,

Here is a semi-short video of me (Your leader) doing what I do. Stealing my friend's car. That friend is also my co-worker/ bandmate Michael "Kalel"Wittig. Join in the fun!  Watch me as I commit a crime.

Know it all...

I know it all. I know everything. I'm a walking, Talking, blogging :) living genius. I know where babies come from. I know why Black-widows are scary. I know how to dismantle a ticking time bomb. There is nothing I don't know. Try me. On second thought, don't. I already know what you are going to ask me. Remember I'm a genius. I know everything.... and Yes. The light at the end of the tunnel is a eco-friendly light. A lot of People struggle in life and constantly search for answers. I don't. I have them already. I know what the secret of life is. I can't tell you though. I hardly even know you. But soon we all will become best friends. I know this cause I can see the future. The future isn't looking good for you...or... you. But don't worry about the future. Remember you don't have a future so why would you dwell on it. Except dwell on the things that mean the most in life. Recycling and fighting. Confused? I know you are but what am I? I'm a genius. Remember? Without recycling there can't be any fighting. I know that's way over your head, but you will understand someday... well you might... but YOU won't. But Joey why are you so arrogant and a know it all? (said in a whining girly voice.... no offense girls but your voice sounds like whining... except for yours. yeah YOU.) First Off, I'm not arrogant. I'm just smarter and more talented than all of you. How do I know this... remember I know it all! I'm a Genius. The government has tried to study me but they can't figure me out. You know why? I do. But you don't. Black holes aren't really black, They're off black. The star closest to the planet Feebie is called panxoda. Never heard of it? I'm not surprised. Remember I know it all. 

Yes, No, Maybe so...

Have you ever eaten an amazing hamburger with Dinosaurs? YES. Have you been to the most amazing state of the art space museum? NO. Do You ever feel like your smile could be whiter? YES. Do YOU ever feel like you need to answer these questions when an info commercial or a radio commentator ask these questions. YES!!!! At least I feel like I have to. I mean I was raised to answer questions that were directed to ME. It's rude to ignore or not reply. Do you ever catch yourself singing songs that you really shouldn't?YES. What is my guilty pleasure? Anything from Enrique Iglesias or Madonna. Have you ever seen Stevie Wonders house? NO. Neither has he. Ok... now that's not nice. That joke is not even right. Right? YES. Sometimes late at night I sit alone and think of all the more productive things I could be doing besides hanging out on Facebook and writing blogs. Things like working on math problems. or knife throwing. You know skills in life that everyone needs to keep SHARP! Ha! now that was witty. Right? YES. Who here has seen horses dance? I have. And let me tell you... Those horses can dance. whoa! Do you think people need Love more than they need new NIKE shoes? I don't. Have you seen Lebron James new shoes? Those kix are fly! Love can't buy those, but a job can, which I don't have.... well, I sort of but ..... no. What I have is called the Peter Pan syndrome. It's a disease that strikes talented amazing gifted short people that wish that they were a little bit taller and a baller.  We never want to grow up. That's my wish. Speaking of wishes. Tonight my band played a show for the make a wish foundation. Man! those kids are awesome! We are so blessed. Even though these kids are sick or possibly dying they didn't act like it. They were making moves, helping out with carrying our gear. playing soccer on the football field and just smiling. Life is good. Don't ever forget to smile. I need to take that advice sometimes, but I'm kind of like Chandler Bing from the hit show Friends. Every time he tried to smile it would look soooo fake. Just like my laugh. When I laugh it's so exaggerated that most people think I'm just a big jerk. Which I am, but that's not because of my laugh. It's because I don't like people. Ok...maybe that's not true, but I really don't care for people. People can be so invasive. I don't know what that means but hopefully someone will look that up for me and tell me the meaning. So, as I sit here all alone in my van down by the river I ask you this. Have you ever eaten an amazing hamburger with Dinosaurs?  I have. 

Joey

Felton Sean

"Some people call me the space cowboy. Some call me the gangster of love. Some call me a genius, but at the end of the day I'm just my mother's son." Those words are from the legend/flamboyant rapstar, Felton Sean. Felton Sean grew up in Lahore. A small community in east Pakistan. As a small child Felton use to listen to old records that he would find in his local catch all store. He instantly fell in love with British music. Especially Elton John. Elton John's music just connected with young Felton. Little Felton would skip to school singing Rocket man, Bennie and the Jets and other classic Elton John songs. But soon the kids at school started hating his singing and his skipping. All most everyday Felton would get beat up, spit on or bullied in some way that felton started to become sad. One day, Felton's mom heard him crying in his room. "Felton, what's wrong.?" "Nothing Mom, Felton said even though he knew his mom didn't believe him. Felton's mom was a strong women. She had to be since his dad Fizze was a hustler and had many lady friends. But the crazy thing is that she didn't mind... all she cared about was her little Felton. Oh by the way her name Lilly sean. "Felton, did you know that I use to spit rhymes in the hood while your daddy hustled on the corner? " "Really?", Felton said while drying up his crusty tears. Yes dear... I was sick. People's heads would exploded When I use to spit. I was on top of the world until I had you. Felton, suddenly felt sad. What do you mean mummy? Did I kill your dreams. No silly, Lilly said. I just use to try and spit rhymes to put you asleep but you would just coo and mimic me. By age 2 you were spitting ryhmes faster and slicker than I could have and soon I knew that it was time for me to quite.  Don't you remember that Felton? No mummy. I don't. Well Felton, you stopped ever since you started to listen to that British filth. Its not filth mummy! I know honey, but you had such a gift and I'm sad that you would waste it on snobbish flamboyant rock and roll! Felton... instantly got a vision. The vision was of him filling out stadiums of himself rapping over Elton john's music. From that day forward. Felton Sean would spit so fast over Elton John's music that all the kids that use to bully him would have their heads explode all over the place. Felton had arrived. A week later, Felton died from an allergic reaction from an off brand make-up company that he had been using for his sweet blush. Felton never got to fill out the stadiums but he did get revenge.

Joey

I wanna Dance!

Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy, evening TV. 

Seriously! What happened to the good old days? I miss getting up every morning, drinking my milk out of an old mason jar, waving hello to Jimmy, the neighborhood paperboy and then working a honest days work at the old mill to only to come home to a nice pleasant evening of quality American television. I also miss the quality songs from the band Kool and the Gang. ‘Get down on it’, ‘Tonight’, ‘Celebration’, and ‘Too Hot’. Man those were the jams! Nowadays their ain't any songs that make you want to shake loose and boogie! Ok… Lady Gaga is in exception. Her song right now on the radio actually has the words “Just Dance”. I mean… that genius. It tells you that we as a collective group should just dance. Brilliant. Another thing that’s brilliant is the way cotton is made into jeans and t-shirts. How do they do it? Well I will tell how. At the textile mill, the bales are opened by machines, and the lint is mixed and cleaned further by blowing and beating. The short lint that comes out usually is separated and sold for use in other industries. The best part of the lint consists of fibers about 1 inch to 1 ¾ inches long. The mixed and fluffed-up cotton goes into a carding machine, which cleans the fibers some more and makes them lie side by side. The combing action of the carding machine finishes the job of cleaning and straightening the fibers, and makes them into a soft, untwisted rope called a sliver (pronounced sly-ver). On modern spinning frames, yarn is mare directly from the sliver. The spinning devices take fibers from the sliver and rotate it up to 2,500 revolutions in a second twist that makes fibers into a yarn for weaving or knitting into fabrics. Machines called looms weave cotton yarns into fabrics the same way the first hand weaving frames did. Modern looms work at great speeds, interlacing the length-wise yarns (warp) and the crosswise yarns (filling). The woven fabric, called gray goods, is sent to a finishing plant where it is bleached, pre-shrunk, dyed, printed and given a special finish before being made into clothing or products for the home. Other machines make knits for use in shirts, sweaters or blankets.

 

Joey

Tulsa and then some...

Flying to Tulsa or as my Australian friends like to call it …’Tulser’ is always a bittersweet experience.  First off… before I explain I would like to know why Australians aren’t able to pronounce the “Aw” sound at the end Tulsa. They always put an “ER” at the end of it. It doesn’t make sense. They don’t have a problem saying their own country’s name. Last time I checked it wasn’t pronounced Erstralia. Oh well, I still have love for the Australians but at the same time I don’t think I will ever understand them.  Another interesting thing I’ve learned about Australians is their love for the Outback Steakhouse. I know what you’re thinking… yeah right! That place is so fake and not even close to being an authentic Australian experience.  Wrong! The reason why Australians love the Outback Steakhouse is because they serve lamb chops. Australians love their lamb chops! They also love the Outback Steakhouse because everyone treats them like the freaking Godfather.  They always get the best seat in the house. (One of the giant circular tables…Australians love circular tables) Once they open their mouths to order the whole entire place stops like a record and women and men swoon over to their table like star gazed teeny boppers. Then the stories begin. “Oh..the real outback is treacherous. I once got caught in vicious dirt storm where all I had to eat was the meat of a half-eaten dead wallaby.  I was stranded for months until this female American journalist from New York found me. That’s why I’m here in America. “ And they believe ever word.  Haven’t they ever seen Crocodile Dundee? That’s the exact same plot line. Oh…You Australians. You think you are sooo cute with your silly accent and good-day mate charm. Like I said before… I love you but I just won’t ever get you. Anyways…My flight to Tulsa was bittersweet. I sat next to a person that kept on spilling their cracker dust onto my lap. It was annoying. Since I’m famous I wear dark Prada sunglasses at all times with a hoodie pulled over my head.  But that still doesn’t stop Oklahomans from asking if I’m some fancy movie star. “Aren’t you that fellow that plays in that one show about the seventies??... what’s that show called Maureen? That 70’s show dear. That’s right! Are you that Foreigner that talks funny… what’s his name… oh shoot….. oh….. Pez!  Long story short… The reason why my flight to Tulser was bittersweet was not because I was accused of being a lisp speaking movie star but because I drank some nasty warm old Milwaukee beer with chewing tobacco, which I thought was my apple juice. I guess my new Oklahoman friend thought it would be funny to switch my drink with his while I was napping.  I quickly spit the drink out and looked at the toothless Oklahoman in rage and furry!!! “Want a piece of gum?” The Oklahoman asked with an innocent childlike smile. I said, “Why sure kind sir aint that sweet of you. We exchanged emails and now are best friends.

 

Joey

Twitter...Not for normal folk.

Twitter is stupid. I just don’t get it. Do you really think anyone cares about what you just ate for dinner or that you accidently slept past noon? Seriously? You all Tweet like you are John Mayer or Opera with their 700 Billion followers.  I mean…I understand why celebrities tweet. Normal folk like you adore celebrities. When you see a celebrity tweet pop up it’s almost like they personally sent you a text message. It makes your day. It really does. But seriously… you are not a celebrity. You are normal folk. You get up everyday, go to work, eat, sleep and then die. That’s your life. Except for mine of course. But that’s not the point. I’m a celebrity.  I can’t die. But on the other hand (All the thoughts above were from my right hand…The republican side) I can see how twitter makes sense for normal folk to use.  Say that you are at a party and you see this good-looking girl or guy but you can’t point him or her out to your friend because your friend is way across the room.  You could just tweet about it and then your friend will get your update sent to his or her phone. No… Wait a minute. That wouldn’t work… Normal folk don't go to parties. Especially parties with good-looking guys and girls. Hmmm… I give up. Twitter does not make sense for normal folk.  So here’s the deal. I decided to make a checklist of what you need to have going in your life before you can tweet.  Until you have achieved one of these ten things on the list you shall only “follow”

1. Survive a near death experience.

2. Play in a band that has actually performed in front of people and not just your mom.

3. Fight crime while people sleep.

4. Slow dance in a burning room while listening to slow dancing in a burning room by John Mayer.

5. Host a talk show.

6. Celebrity (of course).

7. Give birth to octuplets.

8. Sing amazingly well but look like a punching bag.

9. Become one of the Kardashian sisters.

10. Own an island

If you have done one of the following 10 things listed above please tweet away. I would love to hear about your life.  If you haven’t achieved any of these 10 things listed above then continue to follow and keep dreaming. Us celebrities never eat food. We live off the admiration of drooling fans. With out followers there can’t be any leaders…. Think about it.

Joey

The Comeback

After hours of deep thought on if  I should resurrect the 'Joey Thinks Aloud' blog or not I've come to a realization that without this blog people's lives are truly affected and I am just not sure if I could live with the fact that I might ruin someone's life over not thinking aloud via this blog. (sorry. That was one of the longest run on sentences. I'll work on that.) Some of you are wondering why I ended the blog so prematurely. Well there are many reasons why, but I wont bore you with them. But, What I do have to say is this... This is my Comeback.  The Joey Thinks Aloud blog is going to be stronger, more intuitive and awe inspiring than any of the other two blogs I have posted in the past. It will be full of surprises, hope, sadness, horror, and death. But isn't that what life is all about? So I say to you once more... Welcome! Let the randomness begin... again

Joey

Goodbye... and farewell.

I'm afraid that it is time for me to go. We had a great run and I appreciate all 4 of you that followed this blog religiously for the past 2 days. I will never forget you people. Without you 4 people I would have never been able to keep this blog going as long as I did. SO, this is goodbye and farewell to the blog world and a hello to the real world which is scary and mean. Till we meet again...

Joey

Writing blogs

I hate bloggers. Well, I wont say that I hate them but more that I wish that they weren't born. Ok, now that's a little harsh and I really don't want to set a negative tone since this is my first blog and all... but really... they need to find a hole and disappear. But now that I am a blogger, AKA... "Freedom Writer" I have had a change of heart. It's sort of like when Bret Michaels found true love on his rock bus or when Khloe Kardashian found out that she is a "Real Kardashian" sister. Blogging is special and should be taken seriously. It's a responsibility and I promise to blog with dignity and pride. Cause I'm a half mexican with a big heart for fun and let me tell you something.... I have a lot on my mind. That's why this blog is called "Joey thinks Aloud".  Cause I do. But now when I do... People won't think I'm just a crazy bum on the street corner that talks to himself. With saying that...  I'm proud to be an American and I also hate cheese... sorry Eric.

I pledge my allegiance to you all and I will serve you proudly!  Adios Amigos and I will see you again tomorrow! God Willing of course.

Joey